Losing someone we love can be devastating. Our whole world seems to come to a standstill, while everything else keeps on moving. It can happen in an instant or may take years. It can be planned, unexpected, tragic, painful, or even a blessing, if someone we love is suffering. One thing for sure is that the death of a loved one happens to all of us at some point. How do you begin to pick up the pieces when you are going through one of the worst things that can happen to you?
No One Size Fits All
If you read through some bereavement books, you may see that there is a process to grief. Whilst there are stages that many of us go through, each death is different. How can you compare the grief of losing your 90-year-old grandma in her sleep, to the tragic death of a child?
In truth, there is no exact way of grieving and any way you grieve is the right way. However, after working as a psychotherapist for 20 years, and also dealing with incredibly painful deaths on a personal level, I hope my experiences are able to help in some small way.
Take Your Time
There is no time limit to grief. Somehow, someway, you learn strategies to ease the pain and agony. You know that crying all day saps your energy, makes your head throb, burns your throat, stings your eyes, hurts your soul. Gradually, you learn to cry less.
If you need to sleep, just rest. Everything else can wait. Fill your body with as much nourishment as you can, accept help from others, be gentle on yourself. You are grieving… it is painful. It may take time but, little by little things will make you smile again, even when you think you will never be able to. Birds singing, the sun shining, kindness from a friend or stranger. Do not feel guilt; it is the way things should be. It is the nature of life that all living things must die.
Talk
Talk as often as you can. Speak to friends, family, a counsellor. Talk to the person who has died. My father died over 40 years ago, but I still talk to him. Personally, I feel that talking to the person I have lost helps me miss them just a little less. It is as though they are by my side, offering comfort.
As a society, we often shy away from talking about death, though it is the one thing we all know is certain. Talk to your loved ones, let them know your wishes and find out theirs.
Never feel you are on your own, there will always be someone professional to speak to. There are charities such as Cruse Bereavement and The Samaritans who offer telephone support. Your doctor will also be able to talk to you or provide professional support.
Make Things a Little Easier
I know as I get older, I often think about how my family will be after I have died. I have put together a file which includes important paperwork, together with my wishes for a simple funeral. It will save them trying to second guess.
Personally, I have no fear of dying. I do not see death as the ultimate finish line, just another journey or adventure. It has helped to make losing those I love a little easier, picturing them enjoying themselves wherever they are. As though they are just in the next room. If I am right, we will all meet again, and if I am not, there is no-one to tell me I was wrong, but it has given me comfort.
Finally
For anyone reading this who is going through grief, I send you my love and a huge hug. I know it is not easy. In time to come, you will feel a little better, you will learn to live again, you will smile and, who knows, maybe one day find yourself laughing.
As I wrote above, take your time, but if you find the strength, perhaps you could use your experience to help others. Grief is something we are all likely to experience in our lives, so there is always a need for kind compassionate people to provide support and comfort. You know how important a kindly word, or even a smile, can be.
Questions to Reflect on:
How do you deal with grief? Have you made a file for your family? Have you used your own experience to help others?
