Let’s talk about sex and dating. Yes, even now. Especially now.
If you’re post-menopausal and dating (or thinking about dating), I want you to know: you are not alone, you are not too old, and you are not done.
So many women in their 60s, and beyond, are re-entering the dating world and wondering with regards to sex… what now?
Sex can feel exciting, intimidating, empowering – sometimes all in the same night. But with a little prep work (and a lot of truth-telling), it can also be amazing.
Here are the most common questions I hear as a dating coach, from women navigating sex and dating in the 2nd half of life.
1. How Soon Is Too Soon to Have Sex?
It depends on what you’re looking for.
If you’re just looking for fun and companionship, then as long as it feels good and safe to you – go for it. But if you’re looking for a meaningful long-term relationship (and I suspect you are, or you wouldn’t be reading this), then I want you to slow down.
Wait until you:
- Know them well enough to know you want something long-term.
- Know their liabilities as well as their assets.
- Feel they are a sensible choice, good for your heart, and you feel attracted.
- Feel you can talk to them about anything and everything.
- You’ve established (and defined) monogamy!
This means you’ve discussed your families, your health, your past relationships, your future dreams, your faults and bad habits, and so much more. So, it’s time to talk about sex too!
If you’re not comfortable enough to talk about what you like in bed, and your sexual health, sorry, you are not ready to actually have sex!
And to be really explicit: Have they agreed to monogamy with you?
If you’re looking for the last love of your life and you’ve not agreed to just focus on each other (for right now), don’t get naked yet! Want to know how to establish monogamy? Read this.
Sex has a way of bonding you to someone, and that’s a no-no before you know each other well and have committed to spending regular time together. Your body is precious, and you need only share it with someone who’s earned your trust.
Also read, How to Maintain a Healthy Sex Life into Your 60s.
2. How Do I Know If He Just Wants Sex?
Oh, honey, you know. You always know. You just don’t always want to admit it.
If he’s making sexual innuendos early on, that’s a test. If he avoids deeper conversations and pushes for “just drinks” instead of a real dinner – or resists getting on a video chat before meeting in person – that’s your clue.
You can just tell him you are looking for something serious and ask him what he’s looking for. That usually scares off a man who only wants sex or brief companionship.
Please do not put your head in the sand. Listen to what they say and what they don’t say, and how they prioritize spending time getting to know you. Much is, in fact, being communicated about a man’s intentions, but we have to be willing to see it!
3. How Do I Say I Want to Wait Until We’re Monogamous?
This one’s easy to say – but hard to believe we’re allowed to say.
Here’s a script I love:
“I really like you. I’m having a great time getting to know you. I’m looking for something meaningful, which means getting to know someone deeply before becoming sexual. I’d want to be monogamous first.”
That’s the truth. And it’s loving, clear, and confident. Anyone who’s a true match for you with you will respect that boundary. Anyone who’s not? Buh-bye!
4. What Is Safe Sex These Days?
Safer sex is not just a conversation for teenagers. STDs don’t care about your age bracket!
Safe sex means condoms.
It also means seeing a recent STD test. If that feels awkward to ask for, consider – it’s many times more awkward to get (or have to make) a phone call with bad news later.
You cannot skip the talk about sexual health.
5. What Will They Think of Me Naked?
This one. Oh, this one.
I’ve coached so many women who’ve said:
“What if he sees my stretch marks?”
“What if he doesn’t like my breasts?”
“I just don’t look the way I used to.”
Here’s the truth: men are not thinking about your stretch marks. They’re thinking about how lucky they are to be naked with a woman who’s turned on and confident in her own skin.
You may have insecurities about body size, shape, cellulite, breast size, vulva appearance, or pubic hair. Newsflash: he does not care. If he’s in bed with you, he’s already into it (and mostly worrying about his own performance).
One study showed that 68% of men worry about their penis size. You’re not the only one worried about the size of things. But having fun in bed really has more to do with mindset and attentiveness than the size of our body parts!
6. What to Do About Erectile Dysfunction?
ED is incredibly common among men over 50, and yet we’re all still making a big deal over it.
Please stop taking it personally, it’s not personal. If he went for it with you and you’re already in bed, trust me, he wants to have an erection – even more than you do.
Be patient, be gentle, be kind. And most of all, be creative. Helping a man calm his nerves might just do the trick. And remember, amazing sex can happen without an erection. That takes the pressure off both of you.
If you can’t figure out how to have fun with an unpredictable erection situation, that’s a failure of imagination. 😉 And, there are always pills if you want to go that route.
While we’re talking tactics – vaginal dryness and atrophy are real. If you haven’t had sex in a while, please keep practicing (dilating) – to keep the channels open and “in shape” and always have some lubes you love lying around!
You’re Still a Sexual Being over 60
You don’t age out of desire. Your body may be different than it was in your 20s, but your capacity for pleasure and intimacy can be stronger than ever.
It takes communication and truth telling. It takes knowing what you want and not settling for less.
You are not “past your prime.” You are a grown-ass woman who knows herself better than ever – and deserves nothing less than the best in the bedroom.
Please try to enjoy every delicious, awkward, beautiful moment.
You’ve earned it.
Not sure if you’re ready to date? Take my quiz.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What scares you most about dating after 60? Is sex one of your woes? Are you open with the men you date about when and how you might be ready to get more intimate?
