Many people read books to escape reality and get lost in the fantasy world. However, sometimes authors depict things in a way even the most dedicated fiction readers can’t get behind.
Recently, the romantasy genre lovers were discussing behaviors that are romanticized in books but actually are repulsive in real life. Scroll down to find them, and make sure to leave your own observations in the comments below.
While you’re at it, don’t forget to check out a conversation with Jeanne De Vita, award-winning author and editor, creative writing instructor at UCLA Extension, and founder of Book Genie, as well as Michelle M. Pillow, NYT and USA Today bestselling author of Romance, Cozy Mystery, and Paranormal Women’s Fiction, who kindly agreed to chat with us more about romanticized yet repulsive IRL tropes in romantasy books.
Moody secretive men who won’t discuss anything about themselves or their history, but are super hot. Their only interactions with FMC they are irritated because they’re trying to control primal urges. FMC can’t get him out of her head and tries to interact with him more.
Real life: I’m sorry, but if you’re rude and act like I’m annoying, I’m going to leave and never think about you again. There’s no one hot enough for me to put up with that. It’s not intriguing and I don’t want to fix you.
“Exploring the contrast between what’s thrilling in fiction but unsettling in real life is something I often navigate in my writing, especially in my paranormal romance and fantasy worlds,” said Michelle M. Pillow, NYT and USA Today bestselling author of Romance, Cozy Mystery, and Paranormal Women’s Fiction to Bored Panda.
Her favorite trope to write about that is quite disturbing in reality is the fated mate—two people irresistibly drawn together by an unbreakable, supernatural bond. “In fiction, it’s all-consuming, swoon-worthy, and layered with tension. But in real life? If someone showed up claiming destiny had decided we must be together, I’d be reaching for a restraining order,” she joked.
“This is a trope I love playing with in my books, especially in the fan-favorite relationships of my Dragon Lords series. These guys are the ultimate believers in love at first sight—they even have crystals that glow to tell them who they’re meant to be with. It’s excellent for futuristic fantasy, but can you imagine a stranger telling you a magic rock wants you to get married?”
Jealousy of any kind for me. like i love jealousy in books (not at dark romance levels but still) but IRL i have never truly experienced jealousy & it is pretty much a deal breaker. This is not including like healthy, developmentally normal jealousy, I mean the book kind if that makes sense.
Another one of her favorites is the morally gray antihero. “So much fun to write, but in real life, red flags would be waving like it’s a parade. Fiction allows us to examine power, redemption, and emotional intensity in a way that’s thrilling and consequence-free. It gives us the space to ask, What if? while safely knowing we can close the book at any time,” Michelle explains.
Meanwhile, Jeanne De Vita, award-winning author and editor, creative writing instructor at UCLA Extension, and founder of Book Genie, shares that she adores writing about alpha males. “The swoony heroes who live to protect and who charge past morally gray boundaries and into the darkest aspects of humanity (always, of course, for “reasons”). In reality, I’m a bit of an alpha female who tends to resist/reject patriarchy, inequality, and masculine aggression in all its forms.”
Dirty talk. I’m sorry, it takes me out of it. I’m too analytical and in my head for it and a lot of the time it sounds cringey as hell. Heck even when reading sometimes I hate it when it’s overdone and I’m like “dude, please stop talking, you’re ruining it for me!”.
The rising popularity of romantasy books in recent years makes it clear that not only do writers enjoy writing about these toxic character traits but fans are also absolutely loving reading them. Of course, we were curious to understand why.
“Romance is the genre that allows female readers to safely explore the real issues that we battle in every day life with a guarantee (yes, a guarantee) that no matter the journey, we will end up safe, fulfilled, and happy. In real life, toxic men and toxic relationships are an inevitable part of the social contract. The statistics don’t lie,” says Jeanne.
“Women will experience intimate partner violence, abuse, and aggression in our lives—likely more than once. Romance novels that deal with dark, toxic, or damaging themes can allow us to understand boundaries and safely engage in power dynamics, communications, intimacy, and conflict resolution in ways we may not be able to in real life,” she further suggests.
“Romance novels are critical because they are first and foremost entertainment, allowing us to enjoy a fully escapist fantasy (where, for example, love really can change a bad man) while at the same time giving us a safe place to explore issues that are far more challenging, nuanced, and potentially unsafe in our real lives.”
Men in love with no reason.
Seriously every romantasy the dude like instantly in love but doesn’t really know her. It isn’t cute in real life for a man to be obsessive (obsessive at all yes) but what’s up with this I’m so in love I’ll die for you immediately??? AKA LEUTHER IN SPARK OF EVERFLAME DRIVES ME NUTS.
Michelle shares a similar opinion on why people enjoy reading about behaviors that would be disturbing in real life. “For me, it’s the same reason I love watching horror movies. They’re exciting and fun. Fiction is a playground for the what if—a space to explore intense emotions, darker themes, and high-stakes drama without any real-world mess,” she tells us.
“Toxic traits in books can be thrilling because we know they’re not real. No one is actually signing up for a relationship with a brooding, dangerously possessive shifter or a ruthless vampire. Instead, we get to experience the emotional intensity and drama from a safe distance, all while rooting for that cathartic moment of redemption or realization.”
While writing about engaging and complex characters with toxic flaws, Michelle believes that balance is key. “I love writing morally gray characters, but their flaws have to matter—actions have consequences, and redemption isn’t handed out like free candy. If a character is controlling, manipulative, or destructive, those traits aren’t excused just because they’re attractive or have a tragic past. Instead, I make sure their flaws serve the story and push character growth rather than being framed as desirable,” she explains.
“For example, in Merely Mortal, Tamara encounters beings who operate by their own supernatural rules. Some of them have a warped sense of morality, but that doesn’t mean they get a free pass. She’s not afraid to call them out.”
Devil’s threeway. Having two men rut around on me in real life sounds repulsive.
Concluding this discussion, Jeanne says that romance novels is a truly critical genre. “Culturally and socially, we’re the first writers to tackle real human issues: mental health, addiction, violence, trauma, and more, and to package these issues in themes and with messages that give people hope and release from the complexities of reality,” she says.
“We can see the powerful impact that romance has on people reflected in movements within our society, such as conversations about consent and birth control. I’m really proud to be part of this genre (as a second-generation romance author, I grew up around romance writers and this industry and chose, after years of education and work, to focus on romance) and the impact it has on human conversations and connections.”
Just finished Nocticadia and DAMN was the professor-student relationship hot….but that would be so messed up IRL. I’m glad it’s a standalone, because obsessive lust like that with a huge power dynamic is not healthy. It was hot as hell to read though lol.
The soliloquy’s, the “you are the air I breathe, there is no one I could want more in this lifetime or the next, my soul will forever find yours, you are my one true reason for being, I will always put you before all else” ESPECIALLY when the character has a lot of convictions up until this point… like FMC falls for him because of the selfless way he puts his friends/court/kingdom first but then once he falls for he his priorities shift exclusively to her?
Not only are the speeches clingy, intense, and cringy, but they’re symbolic of the character totally changing! They go from loyal stalwart figures of dedication and commitment to flighty little boys. I don’t get how the FMC is still attracted. I would be appalled.
I guess I didn’t really answer because I don’t think this is hot in books either but this kind of s**t is constantly highlighted so I feel like I’m the odd one out here.
Brooding.
– In real life you need therapy.
Calling the FMC “Baby”
– Didn’t realize just how much I hate this until I had to listen to my BIL and his boyfriend call each other “Babyyyy” every other sentence for an entire weekend. “Babyyy can you pass the ketchup?” “Babyyy will you make me some coffee?” “Babyyy what time do you want to leave?” 🤮.
Outdoor s*x. It’s fun in theory, until you’re got sand and mystery substances in your cheeks. Also I’m terrified of bugs getting inside me somehow 😭😖.
It’s really weird to me how the men are always so h***y. That can’t be what is actually going on in real men’s heads, right? The most innocuous things will get them all hot and bothered. I’ve only dated one guy, so I don’t have much to compare to.
I just tried to read a book about a werewolf cop that pulls over a woman for speeding and smells her and realizes she’s his true mate. She’s on a road trip so when he asks her to go out with him she says no, she’s just passing through. He then arrests her for like a whole week until… I’m actually not sure what else happens because I DNF. But let me be clear: the reason I stopped it was because the book was very badly written, not the premise. I went on with eyes wide open and loving it.
Sometimes I catch myself loving things like that and I wonder what’s wrong with myself. Good thing my husband knows I love those books but I want none of that in real life.
Breeding kink. Sounds hot sometimes in written but the thought of having irl child makes me so uneasy.
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